She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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