Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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