I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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