Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He? As in you personified your dick?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
