I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
