He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
