the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
