Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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