cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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