i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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