Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize
