UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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