genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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