You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
