my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
