i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
