I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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