I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
