foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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