new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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