Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
