I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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