There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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