you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
