I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
