How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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