You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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