I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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