I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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