what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
