Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
