the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
