News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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