So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.