Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him