I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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