genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
27 Times The Kardashian-Jenner Clan Absolutely Slayed at NYFW
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?