i wish there were pregnant emoticons
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?