I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.