Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.