No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
