Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
