i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
