Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
