I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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