cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
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This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
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You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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