The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
