Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
