I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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