Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
