one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
