My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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