I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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