look no pants
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
