I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
