Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
