Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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