My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
