2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
