His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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