Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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