I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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