someone threw a dead crab at me
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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