gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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